Ringing the bell

It is such a small thing, but was such an emotional moment for me to ring the bell to signify the end of my radiation yesterday. I held the tears back until we got in the car then I couldn't hold them back. I had mixed emotions going through my head, but overall they were happy tears. It is just nice to have that phase all done. As crazy as it sounds I will miss my radiation therapists, they always had a huge smile every day to greet me. They made the whole experience that much easier with their positive attitudes. They were all my age and were so nice and went out of their way to make sure I was fit in for my treatments if I wasn't feeling well and wanted to come early. I now call them friends and will make a point to pop in and visit them from time to time. They truly are the unsung heroes of radiation!! I brought them a gift basket to show my appreciation and let them know that 2106 (my machine) team rocked!!

Overall my radiation side effects have not been as bad as I had expected, but there were still bad days and good, but I feel like attitude has helped alot with my journey thus far and I plan on keeping a positive attitude about all of it. I have appointments next week with 3 different surgeons and then will make the final decision about what to do as far as surgery goes and set a date for it. This will be yet another huge decision for me, because my top priority will be to not have this cancer come back, but at the same time be able to live as active of a life as I did before the cancer. I have alot of living left to do, and want to know that I did everything possible to decrease the chance of recurrence.

With all this said,  I am going to try as hard as I can to get my normal life back until the surgery occurs, it might be a few weeks before I have my energy back and these radiation effects fully wear off but I look forward to a few weeks of my new normal!! If I feel good enough I might even go on a vacation.

Please pray for my mother who will be having a colonoscopy this Thursday. She has Crohns as well and I insisted that when I was done with my radiation she get a scope to make sure she was healthy. She has been my rock throughout all this and I need her well to be there for me. So even though she is dreading the infamous prep, lets hope its only good news from the doctors for her, so we can have some peace of mind about her. 

Ringing the bell in my new favorite shirt!!!

My gift to my amazing radiation team down in the basement!!!

The good the bad and the ugly

                                    ~The beauty of life is to fight in a difficult situation.  

It has been too log since I written on here so since I am having a good day today I figured an update was overdue. It has been a roller coaster the past two week, so a lot to update everyone on. 

The good is that I only 6 more radiation treatments...and I keep telling myself I think I can.. I think I can ..I think I can every time I go and I do it and now we are almost done. I love my radiation therapists, they are the best, so even though the machine is EVIL they make it fast and easy. I am literally in and out in 15-20 minutes and they are always playing some sort of fun music to distract me. They also are great and fit me in if I am having a bad day and cannot wait until the end of the day for my appointment. All in all they take good care of me and it helps a ton.

The bad is that each treatment brings on new side effects and unfortunately nothing seems to gets better. This past week was the first week I couldn't go to work. I went in Monday and left early, went to radiation and then I felt really bad. I started having this weird uncontrollable shaking in the upper body. I wasn't cold and this wasn't a side effect we had been told about so after calling the on call GI-Oncologist we decided it would be best to go to the ER. 

This is where the ugly starts. I will never go visit MD Anderson's ER ever again. They are AMAZING with what they do and I have only had great experiences with the people but this was on aspect they could definitely improve on.  We got there at around 7:30pm...waited about 3 hours before I got called into Triage, and by this time the shaking had all but subsided but I still felt horrible, so they told me they needed blood work done and then they would proceed. Another 2 hours later i am getting blood draw...and by this time the bottom part of the ER was closing so they moved us upstairs to another waiting room. Finally a little bit later we got seen by the doctor there. She said I needed IV fluids, but they were still waiting on my blood work to see what else, so I got moved into a room. This is where they ugly starts b/c my nurse was prob. the worst nurse I have ever had. It took her over and hour to start my IV and when she did she busted a vein but the fluid was going in so we decided to just keep t where it was b/c I did not want to waste another vein. Within the next few hours I had magnesium, saline, antibiotics, and nausea meds, infused as well as took some potassium pills. basically my electrolytes were all messed up, especially my sodium. I am not sure if they thought infusing me at 10 times the usual speed would make me feel better but it did just the opposite causing some sort of adverse reaction where I couldn't stop couching and could breath and was horribly nauseous. When this happened the nurse freaked out and instead of getting the doctor right away froze. It wasn't until my Dad screamed at her to get the doctor that she came back to reality and went out to get the doctor. Once she came in, and they decreased the saline infusion after 30 minutes or so I was breathing ok and doing much better. I almost insisted on getting another nurse at this point but knew the end was near so sucked it up. If you know me all I am not a complainer and am always happy go-lucky but this nurse just brought out the bad in me. I am not sure how she still has a job. Either way after another blood test my electrolytes were good enough for the doctor to agree to let me be discharged as long as I promised to drink more. She wanted to admit me but truthfully after the experience I had just had all I wanted to was go home to my own bed, so I was very insistent. So after 12 hours of hell I was going home and was so relieved and happy. I will be getting IV fluids twice a week to take some of the pressure to hydrate off me, which is nice. 

This whole experience took a lot out of me and it took me a few days to really feel back to normal...if you can even call how I feel nowadays normal, but being home is where I belong. A lot of people have asked what they could do to help with everything and unfortunately now until the radiation is done going out is just too difficult for me, but visitors are always welcome..movies and or games are always a good distraction. Also if you are available to give me rides places, I am sure that would help give my Mom a break from doing it all. Even though she is a strong and amazing woman even she needs a break now and then, even if she would never admit it. Also if you have ideas/recipes for salty dinners please share. I continue to be amazed by all of my friends and family and the love I am surrounded by. I appreciate every gesture big and small, and they all make me smile, and smiling and laughing has proven to be the best medicine.

Weirdest cravings thus far (all of which I haven't eaten in forever):
1. Pringles (I ate a whole carton in 2 days)
2. Chicken McNuggets from McDonalds (great source of sodium)
3. Oreos at midnight
4. Pizza bagel from Einstein's bagels
5. Sausage and cheese kolaches (not a new craving but I ate three in one sitting, so that's a new record)

7 down 22 to go

So I am sorry it has been a while since I last posted a blog, but really not too much to say and I have been trying to figure out a balance with the appointments and work and fun. I am always going to include fun in the equation for as long as I can b/c every time I go out with friends and we do something "normal" I feel almost like the person I was before the cancer. This is such a great feeling so thanks to everyone who has gone with me to dinners, movies, to get nails done, and also to those that came over to just chill with me on the couch b/c I was to tired to go out. The phone calls, text messages, and emails also are great to help me smile. I love all you guys so much.

I managed to go to Lake Conroe two weekends ago for a friends birthday and had a blast with friends. Even though I couldn't drink or get in the water, I had such a blast!!It is always fun to be the sober one b/c you know all the beach house secrets!! I also go to go out and celebrate the 4th with some friends and we saw fireworks from a parking lots near the place we were having dinner at and it was great!! No crazy crowds and still saw fireworks, I call that a win win!! Also fun simple things like seeing Magic Mike (ladies its worth going to see) as well as all the short conversations with people have helped me forget the bad stuff. I am grateful for every bit of time that is good.

Last week I started to feel the affects of the radiation. It is a bit earlier than the average patient, but the docs think its because of my history of Crohns disease. The side affects are basically just lower abdominal pressure thus making it uncomfortable to walk long distances, sit on hard surfaces, use the restroom, and just general discomfort in that area of my abdomen. The good thing is that I have found that taking hydrocodone helps to relieve a lot of these uncomfortable feelings, and thus things that are a necessity everyday, such as sitting, are much easier. If you know me well, you know I am not one for taking a ton of medicine unless I have to, so it is hard to take condine b/c I do not want to become dependent on it to function, and I want to be able to go through every day without being drowsy/ loopy, but I am working on getting over this b/c I know medicine is the only way I am really going to get through the next few months. So after today's treatment it will be one more down only 21 to go. And after each week I am going to have a mini celebration of some sort!! Below are a few pictures of me enjoying myself the past few weeks, so thanks for all the smiles!!

Let the countdown begin

So just an update for everyone. I will start chemotherapy and radiation on Wednesday and go every week day for the next 5 1/2 weeks. My last day will be August 8th and that day is what I have in mind. I am taking a chemo pill for this first set of chemotherapy, so I am very lucky about that and will just have to go in for my radiation treatments at the end of the day. They have made my schedule so that I can just leave work at the end of the day and head over get my treatment and then go home. I am very aware that there will be good days and bad days and I am the first to whole heartedly admit that I am a little afraid. I would not be human if I was fearless going into this whole process. But I know that it is what I have to do to get better and being afraid is ok.

 I have some AMAZING people in my life and I know that I will have all the help I need to get through this one day at a time. My family has been a blessing to me and I am grateful to have them, and especially grateful to have my parents here in Houston. Never have I been more happy to have them live just 5 minutes from me. All the phone calls from my relatives and friends have touched my heart so much. As well as the messages, emails, and phone calls from people I have not been in contact with for some time, you all have helped me already by reaching out, and I want to thank you. I am even blessed to have people who have gone through this crazy process to give me advice and be there to listen when I need to talk to someone that knows how I am feeling, this means more to me than they will ever know. So a big THANK YOU to everyone.

I plan on doing exactly what the doctors said and try to live life as normal as possible for the next few months, so I will be social, workout, and work as much as possible. So do not be shy about letting me know when fun things are going on. I know that there will be bad days, but when I am having a good day I will need this.

Some things are just out of our control

I am sorry if I have been distant from people, the past few days, but I have just been going through a lot of emotions, and I am beginning to realize that this is going to be the norm for awhile.. I appreciate everyones' emails, facebook posts, calls and texts more than you will know even if you do not hear it directly from me.. 

I had a very bad flare up with my cancer last night and without going into too much detail about it, it resulted in me deciding that I could not wait to start my cancer treatment the three weeks it would take to do IVF and I am going to have to start chemo and radiation as soon as possible to prevent the cancer from getting any worse then it already is. I had desperately  hoped that this would not happen and  that my body would let me have the three weeks I needed to have my eggs frozen but unfortunately this is not the case. .I am meeting with my Oncologist on Friday to get everything final and set in motion so by next week  I should hopefully be starting all my treatment. As with anything in life things just are not predictable and this just happens to be another bump in the road, but my life is more important than having eggs frozen, b/c what good are frozen eggs if I not around to use them. So bring on  the chemo and radiation.

I love all you guys!!!

Decisons don't always come easy

So I had a follow-up meeting with both my oncologist and surgeon today and it was to mainly discuss treatment plans as well as to decide whether or not I could delay the treatment by three weeks in order to do IVF. They both gave me the go ahead with the IVF which I was happy about, but as typical cancer doctors, neither would tell me that there no risk involved with this decision. I am still struggling with this decision that I made, and the truth of the matter is that I will probably continue to second guess myself until I can start the chemo and radiation in three weeks. This is the only time I have waivered throughout this process, but I feel like there will only be more and more tough decisions along the way and once I make a decision I need to just stick with it and not think about it anymore. Easier said than done though. So distractions are welcome for the next three weeks.

One a happier note I found at that I most likely will be able to have surgery to remove my colon and have a temporary illeostomy and then after a few weeks after the surgery when everything has healed they would remove the illeostomy and reconstruct my insides and sew me back up. This was a huge relief to hear as I was under the impression that I would have to have a permanent bag. So I was definitely happy about this. It in fact made my day, or maybe even my month!!! Anytime you hear something better then you expected its a good thing in my book. I want to prepare myself for the worst possible side effects and then if it is better then it will be great. Some people might disapprove with this approach but I think it might be the only way I can truly get through this year.

I know more than the average person about this cancer and how it might affect me, due to my Crohns disease, my field of work, and just my need for  a wealth of knowledge going into anything I am involved with. This can be a good thing as well as a bad thing, but I am going to use it to my advantage as much as possible. I am sure I will hate the image below at some point in time.

I am planning on using this weekend to try and make myself relax and not think too much about the decisions I have made as well as the decisions ahead and just do more things to prepare myself for what lies ahead. Comfy yoga pants, organizing all my papers, making to do lists are on my agenda, as well as a little bit of fun.

First full day at MDA

 Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.  ~Winston Churchill

Spending a whole day at MD Anderson really makes you realize that you have cancer. You really are sick, but along with that realization you spend so much time at different offices and getting different tests done that you don't really have time to think about. You just have to repeat your history over and over and get used to the poking and prodding. My whole life I have had health issues, so I think I have such a high pain tolerance that all the tests that I have had done, while not pleasant, were bearable. This will help along the way and throughout the whole process. I know I have a lot more in store for me and this process has thus far not affected my everyday activities so I am trying to make the most of this precious time I have. I sure will miss Zumba!!!

Everyone I met Monday was so nice and very sympathetic and willing to provide whatever support I will need throughout this experience.  Every doctor or nurse or PA or X-ray technician I met I made sure to thank for their help b/c I am lucky to be at MD Anderson and be getting the best treatment out there. With that said I should know more about the treatment plan by Friday after all the tests are reviewed,  but most likely it will be chemo/radiation, surgery, and then chemo again.

I am not going to lie, the surgery is what scares me b/c with my history or Colitis and Crohns I will most likely have to have a total proctocolectomy with end Ileostomy. That is removal of all of the large intestines and rectum and bringing the last piece of the small intestines (the ileum) up through the abdominal wall to make the stoma. This would mean a bag on the outside of me for the rest of my life, which makes me very sad.  This is what I have been trying to avoid my whole life, and is not unusual in Crohns patients, but I was hoping I would never have to do this drastic surgery. Now don't get me wrong,  there are other options, and I have started to do research on these as well as, but with my history the likelihood of recurrence is higher without getting this procedure done and thus I have to take all this into account. I do not want to go through cancer again later in life if I can help it. This final decision will be made Friday after reviewing past records as well as all the current tests I am having done this week. Staging as well as grading will help with this choice as well. I just pray that this decision brings me no regrets down the road, so I am starving for knowledge right now to help me understand all my options.

I also have another big choice to make. I might delay my first round of chemo and radiation if the doctors say its OK to go through IVF (in vitro fertilization). This would be to harvest my eggs for the possibly of having kids down the road, because most likely after all is said and done I will be infertile. This is something I really want, as I have always wanted kids and having my own eggs to use for this would be the best case scenario. I spent 4 hours in the fertility clinic today having more tests done and was told that I should go eat a big juicy cheeseburger after I got my blood drawn b/c they took over 15 tubes of blood and as you can imagine if you know me, my lips were a little blue after that, so I followed their orders and had the cheeseburger as well as a chocolate brownie cookie to help me feel better. I like it when doctors orders include eating food that I might not otherwise indulge in.

Hopefully I get the ok from my docs at Anderson to have this done, but if not I know that there are so many more options out there for people that want kids, and am more than willing to explore any and all of these. There are so many kids out there that need good homes, and I would be more than willing to provide this in the future. Just being a Mom no matter what way that happens would be an amazing privilege to me.

That's all for now, I have no tests scheduled for tomorrow, just have to track down old records to review to help with Friday's decision, so I am going to go for my first full day of work in a few days and I am excited about a day of distraction to help my mind and soul relax from all the stress of the past few days. Work is a great distraction for me and I think it will be therapeutic in a way over the next few months. Even though it has just been a few days I have missed thus far, I miss my lab mates smiles when I tell them we have an item they thought we had run out of. I miss my lunch break where I can read trashy gossip columns about the most recent Bachelorette episode. I miss the excitement of a cloning project working the way I had expected. So tomorrow will be a good day!!!